The Daily Bark

Jokes, skits, humor, riddles and wit. Most are tame, but some have been known to bite.

A Return, (Sort Of)

Just wanted to take a couple minutes and let anyone out there that happened to be wondering why I haven’t posted much, if at all, the past few months, that I’m okay, just been in a weird spot lately.  All my blogging sites have suffered as a result, but, for those who do follow my individual sites, I’m hoping to get the groove back rather soon and get back into full time posting on each of my various sites.

Anyhow, a few thoughts for today:

1.)  If my last name was Woods and I had a son, I would totally name him Burnham.

2.)  Should be a fantastic summer for new music Releases with new albums coming out

by Amon Amarth, Black Sabbath, Battlecross and Children of Bodom, to name just a  few.

3.) Took a mini-trip out to LA the past couple weeks and found it very informative.     Planning on moving out west in the near future and really, really like the Studio City area.  Definitely the place that felt like home for me.

4.) During the trip I stayed in Hollywood.  I was shocked how much I hated Hollywood.  Sure seeing the walk of fame and the Chinese theater was cool, and I loved the two apartments I checked out there, but as bad as the press on the traffic was going in to the trip, I have to say it undersold just how terrible it was.  There were times when a two minute walk would’ve taken about an hour by car.

5.)  Loved seeing the various people though.  Got a great kick out of the people watching.  A few of the wonderful characters were:  A guy dancing about in a diaper playing an old six-string guitar.  A heavy-set woman in full-on broomhilda get up holding a leash, where at the end was a scrawny older guy in only a black speedo and studded dog-collar crawling about on his hands and knees.  And then the best one:  There were these two hippy looking people, male and female, who had a hat down on the ground for donation.  There thing though was so neat, they trained a little monkey and a tiny whitish brown cat to bounce a ping pong ball back and forth.  Of course the I-phone battery was low and when I went back looking to take some video/photos the next time out, I didn’t see these folks again, but pretty neat seeing the diversity out there.

6.)  Been thinking about writing a piece about the history of negative labeling that has gone down in regards to the general topic of religion in this country.  Early possibly title, How Rood.

Anyhow, just a couple of quick things today.  Hopefully the jokes will be flowing easily when I’m ready to get back blogging full time again, until then though, definitely enjoy the great content throughout the various blogging platforms, especially here on Tumblr.

Thanks,

Fred

Joke 240

The court appointed carpenter, attending to the securing of prisoners to the cross, just finished hammering in the final nails.  It was at this moment, when one of the condemned looked him in the eyes, saying, “You’re so rood”

Joke 239

Curiosity was all curled up on her couch watching the discovery channel.  She was so locked into the particular program that was playing then and there, that she didn’t even realize that her door had been violently kicked in by a Vengeance.  And before she had time to react, he let three shots from his pistol off.  Each bullet connected with a different part of her.  She watched, unable to move, as Vengeance slowly strolled over to her.  He placed the barrel, of his still smoking gun, directly to her forehead.  He looked her straight in the eyes, cocked the hammer back and said, “this is for Fluffy bitch,” and proceeded to…

Joke 238

A Movement Specialist and a Porn Star were contestants on a game show.  When it came down to their final question, the question they received was what does ATM stand for?

Each provided a very different answer from the other.  

If only there had been a banker, perhaps the answer would’ve matched the one the game show had in mind

joke 237

A couple of weeks ago I made a trip to the local Indian Reservation to get some discounted gas.  While I was there I went into the store itself to see what kinds of deals their supermarket had.  In the snack aisle I overheard this rather large Indian fellow talking to a very attractive girl.  Now, I really don’t know exactly what they were talking about, but, I heard something that I couldn’t help laughing about.  Now, this probably has more to say about my sense of humor or what not, but, he told the girl that she should come over and he’d show her his totem pole.  Probably innocent considering the setting, but, wow, doesn’t that sound like a pickup line to you?

joke 236

Every year a major porn convention takes place in Vegas.  I found it kinda odd that this year open registration was limited to the first 200 to come.

joke 235

Joe was known as a very cheap man.  He cut corners in every manner possible.  His philosophy has paid off for him and it’s caused minor hiccups.  The latest example of something that went wrong as a direct consequence of his cutting corners could be seen in the case of his newest nightclub.  HOT TAMALES, a salsa, hispanic styled club opened up  last weekend.  Joe had decided to keep the buildings original wiring, which, he was warned, could be spotty at times.  So, as a result, his club drew a completely different crowd than intended.  All because he didn’t make sure the sign lit as it was supposed to.  If the sign had been checked, they would’ve found out ahead of time, that power was not being supplied to the T and the A at the beginning of TAMALES in the sign.

joke 234

The burglar was caught much easier than I ever would’ve guessed.  I was so distraught I went to the pub at the end of the street, where to my surprise, I saw a man sitting at a corner booth, surrounded by a large selection of Mai Tai’s.

joke 233

In a terrible twist of events, the famous dancer found himself outside amidst a terrible storm.  He made it back to his apartment complex just as the thunder was crackling every few seconds or so.  He grabbed his things as quickly as he could and made a darting beeline towards his unit.  Unfortunately, a mere feet from his own door, he was struck down by a vicious bolt that filled the sky.

The ambulance made it to the complex within the hour.  Luckily for the dance he was tended to as best as he could have hoped by a couple of caring neighbors.  As the paramedics made it to his side, the younger of those on scene, recognized the dancer and remarked that he and the misses saw his production a few weeks earlier, noting that the patient, on that night, was extremely light on his feet, giving a performance that truly electrified the crowd.

joke 232

I met this bald guy and his son the other day. Despite the fact we were strangers, never having seen one another before, they approached me. In the calmest tone of voice I’ve ever heard, the elder introduced himself to me.  He said his name was Yogi and he smiled as he did.  I didn’t know what to say, so I did what I always do.  Quickly looking at the man, then as I was glancing at the smaller version of the two, I replied, “pleased to meet you, and this must be your boo boo”

Perplexed the man inquired, “but how could you know, I was all alone when I fell.”  Obviously this conversation was getting stranger, but I continued on this path, “I know because I am all too aware the danger involved when tall trees and picnic baskets are combined.”

The man briefly closed his eyes.  Just watching his body slowly sway was the most peaceful thing I’d seen all day.  When he reopened them a smile was pasted upon his face.  ”You are wise among your days, the path your knowledge takes is blessed.  We are better for this convenient interlude.” and he continued, “but sir, how is it that this knowledge you came across.”

To which, all I could muster, was “kind sir, your wisdom transcends all boundaries. Time and space stir from two to one then one to three, combining and alternating the thoughts in me.  But pain is of the flesh, and flesh is what we were, and picnics are for the ground, to where such style baskets should be found, but trees, are for the birds, and birds that take leave from their natural nesting space, to meander upon this picnic place, are avail to dangers of the earth, as the leaves are no longer shading its wings from the perils in wait.  But the man who takes his picnic to the trees, if the bark breaks as up arms creep, then fall hard back to the earth below, the man shall surely go, for the man cannot break his fall, by fluttering his arms about as do the birds.”

The man glowed as I never saw another man glow before.  In fact I felt a bit dirty, especially after seeing his son shine too.  And there he nodded to me, as did the son, and together they left me there, wondering what the heck had just become.